Forgiving is the Beginning

There will come a day where the running will stop.

 And the pain you have been holding in for so long, will come flooding out like an unexpected tsunami.

 Destroying everything in its path.

 It will make you want to run even more. 

But this time you have to say no. 

Because this time you will be so exhausted of running. 

This time you will realise that the only way to heal, is to let it all out.

  To walk through those painful moments once again and make peace with the outcome.

Moving back home I knew this day would come.

 A person can only run for so long and for me, 6 years has been physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting.

 I kept telling myself I had already made my peace, but deep down my past continued to wrestle with me. 

It wasn’t until I finally came back to God, that I was able to start the healing process. 

The last 2 months have been hectic. 

God has poured so much blessing and favour into my life and its been great. 

But it wasn’t until now that the tsunami of pain hit.

 All I know now is that I am stronger and its happening at a time where I can move forward and work through this with a positive mindset and a strong determination to persevere.

 To finally make peace with the past. 

The broken relationships, the loss of friends, the unwise choices, the pain and hardship of running away from God but most importantly, the self-hate.

Forgiving yourself is the first step to real healing. 

Because no matter what the situation is, when it comes to pain and loss, we always end up blaming ourselves (even if it’s just a little).

 And unless we reach a place where we can give our pain to God and finally make peace with the part we played in the pain, the healing will never happen. And we will continue to live a life half satisfied, buried by guilt, sadness and fear.

Today I took this first step.

  Today I finally stopped letting my thoughts and pain get the better of me. Today I made the choice to give my pain and my self-hate over to God and finally forgive myself for the past.

I know that there is still a journey ahead of me before I am fully healed.

 I know the tears will come.

 I know there will be lonely nights and moments of fear. 

But I know that today I made the decision to move forward.

 to let go and let God do His work in me.

Forgiving is the beginning.